Sometimes sleep just doesn’t come easy.
I take a bath. I fix my bed for the umpteenth time. I listen to a bit of music. But still nothing. Still the calm and comfort, essential prerequisites for a nice resting sleep, eludes me. And deep inside I refuse to acknowledge the possible reason why.
I’m quite used to being alone. In fact, I enjoy being alone sometimes. Having the house to myself. Getting to watch movies and TV series without the interruption and obligation of human interaction. No one to ask me what I’m watching, who’s that actor, which character did just what to whom, stuff like that. I get to cook nice meals for myself and experiment with new snacks. Basically, I get to do what I want. It’s nice.
But I think it has reached a point in my life where I start to, I don’t know, hypothesize(?), that maybe things can get nicer. With an unusual cheesiness that I try to slap out of myself, I start to think what if I had someone with me during those moments. What if I had someone special? What if I had someone to cook nice meals for? What if I had someone to experiment snacks with? What if I had someone I can watch movies and TV series with? I have even thought of a nice way to spend a day with someone, and I deeply judge myself for thinking something so cheesy. The day would go something like we would check for recipes online, go to a supermarket somewhere and buy ingredients, then go home and try to cook whatever food we chose, then eat it while watching a nice movie. At some point we may just end up sleeping through the film and then wake up and just go somewhere fun. I have no idea why these kinds of things enter my mind. And by the time my friends read this, my judgment and regret would be tenfold. I don’t know. I think it just has reached a point in my life where I think maybe it would be nice not to be alone.
I’m not sad. No, really. I’m not. I don’t mope around about the loneliness of our existence and I don’t plan to (that’s kind of my best friend’s thing). Perhaps you may even say I’m happy. It’s just that this thought enters my mind every now and then, this thought that maybe, with someone, I can be happier. Much happier than I am now. Maybe that’s what being lonely feels like. Not necessarily sad but a bit yearning for the possibility of a happiness upgrade with someone special. And maybe sometimes you don’t realize how lonely you are until you meet someone you want to be with. You see, you’ve been with yourself all those time and assuming you like yourself enough, you don’t really hate being alone. But then you meet this person and you say to yourself, “I want to be with that person more than I want to be with myself.” And then you get this great feeling, more than happiness, it’s like feeling every good feeling there is in the emotional spectrum, just by being with that person and making them happy. So you make that conscious decision to trade-off your perfectly happy alone-ness for this unbelievable company. Isn’t that awesome?
Okay, so how did I get to that point? Oh yeah, right. I can’t sleep. Or I just can’t get the mood to sleep. And somehow a part of me thinks it’s because at this ungodly hour I have this need to connect. Needy, I know. I don’t know why. I just feel like that’s the reason why. A part of me just wants to text someone and just connect even though I don’t really have anything to say. Needy and pathetic, I know (these adjectives are getting worse). Or maybe I have something to say, I’m just afraid that I would sound creepy (yeap, there goes another nice adjective).
Anyway, I think it’s time to end this post. I think I’m all out of words to continue typing. I guess I lost my train of thought and I have this feeling that I’m starting to lose sense. Haha. Good night.